Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, in my prime like Optimus, stopping me is preposterous; I’m so ahead of my time my parents haven’t met yet, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off yet another correct prediction of a Raiders loss last week to the Chiefs. If any of you are having money troubles, one way to make lots of money every year is to bet on the Raiders’ under for wins and losses, whatever it might be. The Raiders should tank, but they can’t even do that right because they’re not trying to lose; they’re just not good enough to win.
Next week will thankfully be a bye week for the team so they can get a few days off from losing before they go back to work and lose some more. But before that, the Raiders must travel to the unhappiest, most accursed place on Earth, as this week’s game is held in Ohio. Nobody gets held in Ohio, not even babies, so the Raiders have a unique opportunity here to leave the state with their dignity intact if they can pull off a win. In keeping with tradition, I have once again asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts concerning this week’s game:
“The entire NFC North resides in cities that are named for important historical figures. Cincinnati is named for the Roman statesman Cincinnatus. Baltimore is named for Cecil Calvert, Lord Baltimore, the first proprietor of the Maryland colony. Cleveland is named for the city’s founder, Moses Cleveland, inventor of the Cleveland Steamer. Pittsburgh is named for the armpit stains seen on the shirts of Steelers fans.
Any discussion of the Bengals begins and ends with “if Joe Burrow can stay healthy, then…” but the truth is, Burrow has had more injuries than the Confederate Army at Gettysburg. Burrow, in a stroke of pure genius, spent his entire rookie season injured just so the Bengals could draft his buddy Jamarr Chase. Burrow does his best to be helpful each year and get injured so the Bengals can be good on paper but have a top-ten draft pick in preparation for their 2031 Super Bowl campaign. On February 2nd of each year, Joe emerges from his burrow, and if he tears his Achilles, it’s eight more weeks of IR.
One of the reasons the Bengals are always hurt is that they lack proper nutrition. Ohio is surrounded by states with great food. Iowa and Indiana have amazing corn. Wisconsin has some of the finest cheese in the world. Michigan has gun violence. But what does Ohio have? Skyline Chili. This is not real food. It looks like someone took a dump on a plate of spaghetti and tried to hide it by covering it with a pound of cheese.
And why is it called Skyline? It is constantly overcast in Ohio; nobody can even see the sky. If I tried to make the worst food imaginable from scratch, I would take Skyline Chili and add peas. I’m surprised that’s not the actual recipe.
Due to Ohio being cursed by God, cows do not live long enough there to grow and turn into steaks, so the only thing left to do is make ground beef out of them. ‘Ground Beef’ was also the nickname of Joe Burrow’s high school girlfriend. Fortunately for Joe, he took a few years in college away from Ohio and went to Louisiana, where people actually know how to cook. Gumbo and jambalaya are a far cry from the typical Ohio fare of raw steak, warm beer, and celery dipped in butt sweat. Mexican food in Ohio is made by Norwegians.
Raider fans who have, for whatever reason, decided to attend this game can tailgate with Olaf’s Taco Truck outside Paycor Stadium. Raider fans should make sure to head for the exits at halftime to catch their flight home, or Sauron and the Nazgul may not let them leave Ohio.
Raiders backup quarterback Desmond Ridder had his greatest and only success in Cincinnati, but he won’t be starting this week. Instead, Gardner Minshew will helm the offense and look for his favorite target, anyone wearing a Bengals jersey. The Raiders will try to do better than the last time they played in Cincinnati, which was the last time anyone felt optimistic about the team’s future. Just like every man and woman in Ohio, that will not work out.
Bengals win, 27-12.
*Top Photo: Getty Images
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